It's been a while, 9 months to be exact, since I began this journey into sobriety. Ironic it seems, baby pending and all, that it took me 9 months to get here. Five and a half months Sober, but not well. Desiring recovery, but unsure if I am on that path just yet.
The trail has been long, and I am a little tired but feeling good. Almost like being 1/2 way through the hike after you worked past the tiredness, sore muscles, and broken in your hiking boots. You rest on a rock, overlooking a vista on a mountaintop, kick off your shoes and rub your feet. The tired feeling is good. That feeling that your getting a workout, your body is on pace, and you feel alert and alive. Where you mind is clear, the forest is quiet, and you can reflect. So as I sit here on this big damn rock, with my pack leaning against a tree, I will rub my feet a bit and think a bit about the process as a whole.
The 12 Step process, Sexaholics Anonymous, has been a life saver to me. What was once thought to be a secondary tool, a novel thought, has become the biggest and most important tool in my recovery - above everything. Through this process I cleared room for God to work. Through this process I am sober but not well. Through this process I learned how to face life on life's terms.
So how was this done:
- SA gave me an immediate means of support, something to lean on, as I learned the steps to stand on my own with God's help.
- SA brought me out of the isolation that addiction seduces you to without you even being aware. I made a connection with others.
- Over Time, SA helped me see the breadth and depth of the addiction, how far and wide it reached, into almost every aspect of my life.
- In coming out of this "Fog" I truly started to grasp how deeply and how often I hurt those around me that I loved.
- I came to understand masturbation and pornography were a symptom, a byproduct, of my addiction. My inability to cope with life.
- SA helped me realize exactly how unmanageable and out of control the addiction was, although as an addict I thought it under total control.
- SA helped me realize there was another option - being properly surrendered.
- With guidance, I cleared the wreckage of my past. Without this guidance I could have fallen in despair, guilt, or inescapable remorse or depression.
- I understood God existed and loved me, but I didn't understand that without my action - God would not react to my plea for help. My faith, without and act, was dead.
- With room cleared, with my actions working on my defects, God began to work on me.
- It is by His grace alone that my addiction is resembling anything close to manageable at this time.
- SA has brought me much closer to my religion and my personal contact with God. Almost like clearing static off a bad phone line - allowing me to hear and react more appropriately.
- Being in the fellowship of SA allows me to see where I have come, and never allows me to forget the monster I can become if I continue again.
- SA gives me a "maintenance plan" that allows me to constantly rework the steps daily, in prayer, and through another in sponsorship. Always allowing me to keep "my nose in the program".
The mistakes I made:I tried to control my program of recovery rather than trust in another with sobriety or in God. Apparently this is pretty common, most addicts come in with "a plan". Do X, Y, and Z as fast and as thorough as I can and I will be healed. I kept pushing my counselor and sponsor to move faster - lets go. Then one day in my sick mind, I actually made myself slip once because I thought everyone did and I was going to control when that happened - cause it damn well wasn't going to happen 3 months into this thing. I thought I had to have a 90 day dry out period and caused complications at home because of it. Ultimately I put this in God's hands and have been intimate with my wife - he granted intimacy every few weeks in the beginning but now asks for an extended (8 weeks or so now) period of abstinence (and I am absolutely OK with it and even desire it). I rushed and found a sponsor after 1 meeting, because I thought I had to. I chose the member with the most sobriety because he had to be the best. In the end, we never really could communicate well together and I rebelled against the steps violently. Ultimately losing him after violating the 3 strikes you are out rule.
I brute forced the steps.Even after realizing my sponsor was not doing it for me, and seeing the warning signs. I kept fighting through the program on willpower and hit a wall. I should have swallowed my pride, found another sponsor, and started over.
I picked a poor sponsor the first time.How ironic, the sponsor with 6 years sobriety and 15 sponsee's under his belt could not help me. The sponsor with 6 months of sobriety and zero experience with sponsee's led me to my sobriety. I admired him, I valued what he said, and could relate with someone my age in the same stage in life. My first sponsor is a good friend, and he did help me, but my decision to "control things right now" bit me in the ass.
I never truly surrendered all aspects of my life to God's will.I surrendered lust, yes. I surrendered I was totally out of control with porn and masturbation, definitely. But I never surrendered the day to day stuff - anger, resentment, confusion, etc. I never surrendered the direction my life would take, let alone what God would have in store for me today. Once I did, it was like a light switch and I made progress extremely fast.
Pride Set InAt any time I said the words "I can do this" (as opposed to "God help me to.." or "I surrender"). I failed, Period. Do not pass go.
Fear Ruled, especially when I should have reached out to another.I hated to call another when I struggled - I felt as a burden, or as if I was a freak, and would try to handle it myself. I could, for periods of time do fine this way, but in the end I would fail. I made huge strides when I started calling others in the fellowship. Sometimes a few times a day and definitely multiple days a week. At first, this is the only way to get by. I once told my sponsor I felt guilty for calling all the time. He responded that I am actually doing him a favor by doing so. I now understand why - for long lasting sobriety you have to rework the steps through another. By helping me, he kept himself sober.
The pieces of advice I would give someone just coming in would be:Give up expectations, control, and any plans you would have.Stop doing it yourself, trust in others to lead you for now for you can't see far enough through your drunk goggles. Stop setting expectations or a plan, because you will end up disturbed when it doesn't happen this way.
Go to more than one meeting a week, and make at least a call a day.It takes time to get the tools under your belt and even longer to not look like a monkey humping a football when you use them. To stay sober during that time you have to be in the program pretty religiously and can only keep the triggers away through phone calls. Don't learn the hard way as I did - just do it.
Go to a few meetings, find a group you identify with, and find a sponsor that you relate to.Some meetings are a turnoff, poor sobriety, dumping, and not constructive. Some have personality conflicts. Some just run differently and don't click. But these are rare. Find a meeting you really like, attend regularly and make it a home group. Watch for someone that "speaks to you" that you identify with. Even if he doesn't raise his hand for sponsorship, approach anyway. After a few weeks he will know you through the meeting and you will know him.
The definition of irony: Being selfish enough to put your program first a while.Once you truly get started, things may be chaotic, and family may even fight back. Put faith in the program and faith in God to take care of the environment around you. Go "heads down" and work the steps without breaking stride. This is counter-intuitive at first, but you will eventually see why.
Wait for the critical change in attitude.Ironically, the program will weed itself out. If you are not internally changing ("critical changes in attitude" as the book says), you will start to reject, balk, and buck the steps. If that is the case, punt. Ask your sponsor to go back and re-work a step, find a new sponsor, or find new material to help you come back at a step from another angle. Be patient and watch, it is amazing to see the changes in yourself.
Give thanks and prayTo your sponsor, your SA group, and God. And for God's sake, pay it forward.
Wow, for struggling and worrying about what to write - that poured out. I am glad to see this, as I wanted to record for my own knowledge what I had learned so I never forget. And if someone who is just starting sees this, maybe it will help them a bit.
I don't want to forget, because I now understand that it isn't over. It will never be. For lack of a better analogy, my addiction is in remission and can hit at any time with more force - causing me to pick up right where I left off. I can never forget where I came from, for if I do - I may let my guard down.
Well, its time to put my boots back on and sling on my pack. I must keep hiking forward by working on my defects, constantly working the steps, and maybe even be a trail angel to someone else.
But before I leave, for anyone interested, the Sexaholics Website is here - www.sa.org.