Sawyer's Walk

In the original movie 'The Matrix', the main Character Neo has a turning point. He has woken up from what he realizes was a false reality, only to live in a true reality which grants real freedom. But in gaining freedom, Neo realizes this new life is much tougher to accept.

So he learns about his new reality, listening to others, learning, flexing his new abilities as a baby would her fingers. If learning to adapt was not enough, he is told he is "the one" - somebody he never believes he can be. Others say it, others believe it, he may even have flashes of faith - but never truly accepts it.

So the story goes on - Neo is constantly running from what he believes is an overwhelming force while fending off what he can with what little he has learned. He tried to stop and fight, imperfectly, and gets his ass handed to him more than once.

But there is a critical point at the end of the movie where it all comes to a head, The character has gone through hell and comes back from the brink of death, broken and bleeding. Thinking Neo left for dead after their last battle, the overwhelming and unbeatable antagonist turns in surprise when Neo arises again. In blind rage the evil one fires over a hundred rounds from his gun to finally put an end to this game.

But Neo slowly looks up at the oncoming bullets and in a final moment of clarity and acceptance, holds up his hand and says "No.". Time stops, the bullets halt, and then they fall to the ground.

Neo finally accepted who he had become.





I am not exactly sure where I left it - under a rock, on top of a mountain, or in a mason jar under the bed. All I know is I found it and I really, really missed it. It took 2 years of self discovery to find it last time, at the end of one of the toughest trials I have ever experienced. Funny thing is I am not sure when I lost it. However, I think I lost it around the time I got engaged.

I am not sure how or why, but I know at that time I began to doubt myself and who I was. I allowed someone with a very strong personality put doubt in my mind. Coupled with addiction which exacerbated co-dependency, improved my ability to rationalize, and completely render useless my ability to handle emotion - I managed to lose who I was and my dignity.

But I found who I am on a mountaintop and found my dignity under a rock and am fumbling with how to incorporate them back into my life. Because during a time when all those around me are saying "I can't live with out my wife", "Please wife don't be angry with me" , and "I don't know what I will do without you" - I am turning to my wife in a moment of clarity and acceptance and calmly saying "No".

My sponsor says I am truly hitting acceptance - this numbness and sadness I feel is acceptance. But at the same time it is coupled with just a hint of relief and freedom. You see, my marriage is broken and I realize that now. I realize I can't love my wife to the point that she will love me back in a manner I need. I realize I can't clean the house enough, tell her I love her enough, or do enough loving actions to get her to acknowledge me when I speak to her.

I am realizing now that respect and communication are not unrealistic expectations. That I can ask for those and not be acting as an addict. I don't have to do my time in "purgatory" because she put up with me for X years so I have to give her just as many. I don't have to accept this because I am not a bad person, I am a sick person.

Progress will not happen until something breaks and I have never allowed our marriage to get to that point. I have always people pleased, capitulated, or rolled over to keep the peace. I don't have to do that anymore. I am responsible to keep my side of the street clean and take the next right action, but I don't have to buttress the marriage anymore. Because frankly, a stronger marriage may not be able to be built until this collapses and we can rebuild together. This will happen on God's time.

So as I mourn, I also really put trust in God's hands. I am not, and will not, control how this repairs. It's time to put my marriage on His time line and just wait, pray, and do the next right thing.

Because in the end, there really is no spoon.

Is it possible to go to the point of no return? I believe so, barring any miraculous intervention. I have read about it, I have heard others speak of it, and the thought of it gives me the screaming creepies. I have seen others go waaaay down the path of addiction, to the point of some disgusting stuff, but in humility they walk the right road and seem to recover.

But there are those that I see just writhing in addiction agony. Cycle after cycle of beating back the addiction in white-knuckle willpower or prideful self knowledge executing a plan only the addict understands. Even worse, those that know of the right road, but refuse to release the language of lust (Especially Anger and Resentment). At some point, they knowingly choose and turn their back on God. Sometimes in a sick rationalized way like Anikin in Star Wars 3, when in his warped mind he was doing the right thing by turning to the dark side. Sometimes in a well informed, "No - I won't let go of this resentment".

Beating after beating the cycle goes, it's like watching someone get hit in the face with a 2X4 and collapse to the ground as he writhes in agony. Over and over. I know this has to happen a few times before you break and get better. But the ability for some to take that beating ... I just hurts to watch.

This really, really disturbs me. Because the thought that someone is beyond help (with the rare exception), well... I can't put it into words, I don't think I know 'why' it disturbs me so. It just does.

I think it is because I have seen some fail and choose the wrong path - some quietly, some with well laid out and logical plans on what 'they' will do, some defiantly say 'I will do this' and bring their will to bear, some leave in a fit of middle finger 4 letter word glory.

I see this now, with someone so wrapped up in his addictive cycle that I don't see him ever breaking out of it. I see another teetering now, both paths in front of him, but he has to take the act of "letting go" in conjunction with "surrender". I really don't know if he will do it. I am afraid I have befriended him in the program and that if he falls back into the addictive cycle too hardcore - I have to step away from the friendship.

I guess it is about Fear and Control. In a way I guess I am not properly surrendered in these two areas. I am afraid for others and I want to control the environment to protect them. God can do anything. I can only take the next right action and allow God to sort out the income.

I spent a very long time in prayer for the one I see teetering yesterday. I spent 45 minutes in meditation of the "Sorrowful Mysteries" of the Rosary. I called on the litany of the Saints as if I was fighting for another's life - I prayed so hard. I always prayed for God's will in every case but asked for discernment, wisdom, strength, patience, healing, and even temporary shelter. I called on St. Catherine of Siena (Wisdom), Archangel Michael (Protection and Shelter), St. Dymphna (Saint for the mentally disturbed), and St. Benedict (Protection from Evil). Sometimes I wonder if it even helps, I know we can pray for others - but on the other hand, he has to go through pain before he grows. So who am I to try and ask God to change his plan.

That is my lack of Surrender. I think.

... of these two things. I posted this on No-porn.com for others, have them bookmarked in my Bible on my PDA, and have to remind myself of them constantly. So I thought them worth posting here for my own use later.

Cor 10:13 - Temptation, having an out.
No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it.

I remember this when I am desiring to act out or I see another desiring to act out. Because it reminds me that surrender of the temptation is an act - an act of reaching out to someone, and act of going for help, or even the act to choose to "do nothing" (which means choosing not to act out too). The temptation is there but you have to do something to take your way of escape provided to you from God.

Matt 6:25-27 - Fear, the biggest obstacle for an SA.
For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?

"Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow,nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they?

"And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life?

Many who come into SA, or no-porn, have been caught by their wife, are in financial danger, or are struggling just with every day stress and coping in acting out. Fear drives allot, including a need to control the situation, which we are inherently bad at. Fear drives control,drives us to screw things up in a bad attempt to control, leads to more chaos than we are comfortable with, leads to a need to control that chaos, rinse, wash, repeat. When surrender is truly reached, anxiety fades, and the cycle breaks. Now, this is simple - not easy. I may talk big here, but struggle with fear allot. That is why I remember this passage.


(BTW: From my last post - made two phone calls, surrendered to God in Prayer, feeling better - but awaiting for someone to call me back.)

(Wording may be a little triggering, proceed at own risk)

The topic of all the SA meetings the past few weeks has been about "vacations to the beach". I am watching more than one newer SA struggle with dropping money in a vacation to months ago, realizing they have a problem, and now going "Oh Shit, this isn't good - and I leave in 2 days with the kids".

I know the idealistic thing to say is, and I have actually said this - "How bad do you want it. If this is a really bad place to go - don't". Being 9mo in to this, with a wife you may not understand the disease but knows I am getting better, I can say things like - "yeah, not a good idea". To be honest, it is embarrassing, my wife is obviously irritated, I feel like less of a man - but my ass isn't going back for any reason.

But someone that is newer to the program, and their wife is either hurting/angry, or in denial - this is not something you can easily do. So they go anyway.... and are miserable. But, props and kudo's to the 3 I saw making phone calls and working steps. Although in the equivalent of hanging out in a drunken nightclub for an alcoholic, they decide to grab a coke and sit in the back facing the wall while their friends party. Don't discount the effect that being in that place will have on your subconscious and imagination for a bit, your walk just got a little harder for a while. But sometimes you have to do what you have to do to balance recovery and family. I am proud of those SA's "looking like a monkey humping a football" as they imperfectly work the program the best way they know how.

As I said to a struggling SA today - "God responds to due diligence", do what you know to the absolute best of your ability with a clean conscious and God will work on credit till you fully get your head out your ass.

As for me, summer is not too bad as I no longer live in Ft. Lauderdale. I am not in a position to really see all the eye candy anymore as my activities with my family don't focus on being places where women dress for the weather. I may battle it a few times this summer if we go to a park, festival, etc. But for the most part I am OK.

My problem, and I now officially fucking hate this holiday, is Halloween. Screw Halloween, more like the whole month of October because it is almost four weekends of Halloween parties. I hate it, because as a female radio show host said last year, it give girls an excuse to "release their inner pirate hooker". It's not a reason to act or dress scary, its a reason to see exactly how sexy one can get and not cross the line. Or if the line is crossed, the dress is blamed on being in the spirit of Halloween. You may dress like a schoolmarm during the rest of the year, but at Halloween you have permission to be a half naked pirate, kitty cat, angel, or devil.

And if that is not bad enough, it's about being naughty and seductive. That is the trick for me - the intangibles, the game, the hunt, that is a weak point for me.

Wow, as I write this, I wasn't expecting how much resentment was coming up. I am am not liking how I am feeling, I dug up something I had buried and not feeling just right - anger, resentment, and even a little intrigued.

Going to stop and call an SA member. Will write more later.

Being a sponsor has kept me sober. I am receiving much more than I thought I would out of it. Helping those who are still sick, as long as my house is in order, is a very special thing. I give thanks, because as I approach my 8mo mark, I am watching many fall off the beam right and left. From revolving door addicts to some that have kept sobriety longer than I have.

This planted a seed of unhealthy doubt in my mind. It is good to be humbled, and remember what you can go back to. However beginning to think it was inevitable because others have fallen was unhealthy.

What made it worse, was that I was starting to show the signs of sliding backwards. I was becoming irritable, angry, snippy, and in a pretty persistent foul mood for roughly 2-3 weeks. Although not as intense, thoughts of going to my old ways did pop in my mind here and there. Others were falling, why am I any different. Is the tribulation I am going through me sliding backward or making the transition from sobriety to recovery, where I get to practice what I learned in real life.

However, on more than one occasion I said - "I am a sponsor, and have to set an example - so what damn step do I need to look at"? I started airing it out at meetings again and making phone calls almost as often as when I first started the program. I started working hard at the basics and kept working with my sponsee. Often while reading one of the beginning steps with him I would see a step in a new light that applied to my current struggles. Finally, inspired by my sponsee's 4th step work, I had made the decision to "4th Step" this intangible feeling I had - identify Resentments, Anger, Fear, and Shame. Once identified I can surrender it.

Because it wasn't a matter of surrender, I just didn't know what to surrender. I was just ANGRY and didn't know why.

So I sat down one night in bed with a pad of paper as my wife slept next to me. I knew of two things that *may* be causing some stress in my life and was surprised at how much I wrote about them in a 4th Step. Then I remembered something else, and one more, and one more. After 30 minutes I had 12 separate 4th Steps on paper. That spooked me - how did so many things build up over 2-3 weeks to make me feel this way? If I hadn't 4th stepped, What would have happened? It made me realize that lust isn't the only slippery slope to watch out for. The feelings and actions that feed it, (especially control in my case) also can be a very slippery slope.

So I looked at the list and saw the usual suspects - I wrote them at the top of the paper and put tick marks next to them for each time I saw them written down. Same 'ol defects - Fear, Shame, Self Worth, Validation, Control. Tick, Tick, Tick...

Then at the top, I wrote - "Not Properly Surrendered to God's Will" and underlined it twice. Then I prayed and handed over each. I felt so good, so at peace. I remember that feeling - just getting them on paper helped. But the next day would be the test, would I wake up in a bad mood again?

Well that is 2 days ago and I am doing fine. I feel peace and am seeing a response in my marriage again.

So as I sat in surprise last night at a SA meeting, having heard someone who had as much sobriety as me reset his sobriety date - I remembered the fear of is it inevitable? But I look at those who fell - be it to using white knuckle willpower, or wrestling control back from God, or pridefully not working the steps. The difference seems to be two things - I am willing to humble myself all the way back to as if I was an SA at my first meeting and I took on a sponsee who allowed me to work my program through him.

But that lead me to another question that I had to talk to my sponsor about.

With my own house in order, I try to walk among the sick, and through Sponsorship and through being there as a phone call I am helping some who are very grateful. There are also some who are very deep into the addictive cycle who may be going past the point of return because of their inability to let go of some real core defects so they can even move forward. It is in those 2-3 that I flounder because they harm my sobriety by placing doubt in my mind too.

It was then my sponsor asked why I continue to be around those, reminding me about the "Don't call drunks rule". Put a strong circle of sobriety around you. I responded with the essence of the 12 Step and reaching to those that are sick.

"Yeah", he said "But even we have a 3 strikes and you are out rule. If a sponsee doesn't show WILLINGNESS to do WHATEVER IT TAKES to get better, even we release him to act out some more and hopefully break enough to try anything to get better. Be compassionate, but help those who show they want help in their actions. If the actions show they are not willing, and it is affecting your sobriety, you need to distance yourself."

It's a fine line to walk, and there is real guilt in thinking there are a few people I will walk away from for a bit. However, I have to trust in those who have gone this way before, because I am an addict and I often don't know what is good for me.

If you are a normal reader of this journal - don't bother trying to understand. This is the only way I could think of to contact "Clark Kent" safely, as I should not contact her directly nor visit her Livejournal.

Clark,

With some more sobriety under my belt, and at the guidance of others, I came to realize that I owe you an apology. In your own words, I may have crossed a line that may have been 13th Stepping - which unintentionally may have harmed your sobriety. I also know I tried to impose my own will on you during your journaling to protect myself from things in your entries - essentially putting you in charge of my recovery.

In neither case was I right. I was wrong in imposing my will on you, even if it sounded as a "harmless request". I was also wrong in 13th Stepping, causing you unintentional distress. I truly hope you will understand and in some way forgive me.

I don't even know if you will read this or if the message will ever get to you. However, know the apology is heartfelt and that I will be saying a prayer on my Rosary for your own recovery tonight.

Sincerely,
Sawyer.

So this man was on his rooftop as a storm whips about him, and a flood is raging through the streets of his neighborhood. All he could see was the tops of other houses and the flood water rising rapidly. He gets on his knees and prays "God, Please Save Me!" as he looks around for a white light or angels to lift him away.

Out of the corner of his eye, he sees a raft that had become untied from a local dock and was floating past his house. Without a second thought he gets to his knees and prays with all his might "God, save me!". Opening his eyes and staring around in fear, he still does not see angels or light - just the pouring rain, rushing floodwater, and a motorboat a few hundred feet away. However, instead of yelling for the boat he prays all the harder "GOD SAVE ME FROM THE FLOOD WATER!".

Just then, a helicopter starts to approach from miles out, but he waves it off because it disturbs his praying. So as the helicopter turns away, a wave of water rushes toward the house and engulfs him and the house. In a fit of confusion on how God could abandon him, he drowns.

At the pearly gates he sees God waiting for him. He turns in anger to God and says "How could you foresake me! You let me drown!". God responds "Listen Asshole, I sent you a raft, boat, and freaking helicopter - what else do you want!".



I have been working allot on surrender with my sponsee the past week or two. Drilling into him how it is not of just lust, but everything. It has to be about everything, learn from my mistakes - the sooner you grasp this, the faster you make progress. I know my insistence is futile, the steps are all about self-enlighten interest. Coming to it on your own, in the heat of day to day life, so the lesson sticks with you. Still, I see God working with him although progress is as slow as when I went through it.

But I am finding it getting harder and harder to walk the walk. I have gained the rudiments of giving my will and life to God, and do it imperfectly. But it seems just as if I am starting to get something under my belt as it pertains to surrender God raises the bar. This ratchet effect concerns me some - because at some point I am afraid I will be unable or unwilling to turn whatever "it" is over to God. At first I thought to be coincidence, but in the 3rd or 4th gut-check I have had to do in as many months I am starting to despair and fear.

I say this, because God is placing something in front of me. I truly believe he is leading me to leave my current position for another similar position in a different company. There are pluses and minuses in doing this - but the most notable is I finally can grow and learn, getting out from under this glass ceiling I am under where my skills are getting out of date. But I would be leaving somewhere I am comfortable and happy. Where I LOVE my team and my boss as well as the work life balance here. Where I work for what seems a family.

But besides finally being able to grow at this new job, I would be going to an unstable company (just bought out) where my future and team is uncertain. I am essentially being asked to leave something safe for something dangerous (but also beneficial).

What terrifies me, is I truly believe this is God driven. I started to rationalize it to all be coincidence until I was in such worry that called my sponsor last night and told him what is happening.

Me: "I don't know man, this scares the hell out of me, do you think God is trying to tell me something?"
Sponsor: "Are you fucking kidding me? Lets see. You get a bombshell in a team meeting that really concerned you that time with your family would be less and your workload go through the roof. You get back to your cube and 5 minutes later out of the blue you get a call for a recruiter from the single company you said could poach you from your current company. Then a week later, when this same disturbing news is dropped on you again in a meeting, you go back to your desk to find a e-mail asking for an interview. Oh, and by the way you ACED the interview based on experiences 2 YEARS AGO in another job? Did I mention your resume was an exact fit for the job? I dunno man, you tell me - think God is trying to tell you something?!? Ever hear about the man praying to God as the floodwaters raged about his house?"
Me: "But I am safe and happy here, I don't see floodwater?"
Sponsor: "You are an addict man, you can't always see what is around you clearly."

I don't know about the flood still. But maybe like the episode of Eli Stone I saw a few weeks back - when Eli was trying to warn everyone of an impending earthquake, and everyone thought he was nuts. All they needed was faith to believe him and flee to safety when everything else seemed fine.

Me: "Why am I struggling with surrender so? I feel like someone just entering the program and am truly struggling - I don't think I have leaned on you or made phone calls like this since first joining."
Sponsor: "Because you are learning to surrender a part of your life you have not had to look at before. And the job is the one place an addict truly feels he has control over. This should be tough. Besides, you better call me about fear of your job and the unmanageably now. If you called after acting out because you tried to control the unmanageably by yourself - I would be kicking your ass right now."

This really sucks, do I have the nads to stand up and surrender my will to God, or am I all talk and no action. This also brought on guilt and shame. Who am I to be sad, scared, bitch, and moan when God is leading?

The only solace I took was in reading about St. Catherine last night in the final night of my 5 week devotion. She complained too, but capitulated. She actually cried (a lot) at what she was asked to do, but she continued. So if a Saint can bitch and cry, I guess I can too. I don't know what the outcome of this is, but I keep getting this feeling that it is my job to turn down.

It's just a matter of seeing if I can do what God is directing me to do. Can I walk the walk.

I truly don't know.

I debated in even writing this, but it has been twirling in my head and needs out. There is a chance one person may read this that I would prefer not to - but in the lesson I learned from a good friend of mine, I write for me and no one else.

So last week, by complete coincidence, I spoke to two people about their addiction who I care for. In both cases, the same word's came out of my mouth. "You are circling the drain and are in danger". I received two very different responses.

One friend stuck in a free hug drum circle, puffs out his chest with a "I will not fail" response. Defiantly he explains how his plan will solve the problem, how it is up to him to fix this.

One friend turned to me with humility, said "I didn't see the warning signs". "What steps can I take to get sober" he asks and "how does God's role play into this - how do I effectively let him in to fix me"?

One friend maintains his sobriety, one friend lost his sobriety - all within a week. I still pray for both, often when I don't want to to be perfectly honest, because to slingshot out of that drain circle is tough.

But the one thing this really proved to me was a concept I first read in SA and then in my meditation on the Bible and scripture - a simple fact really, "Self Knowledge is Not Enough". Especially if you are religious in any means, because it then becomes a very slippery slope.

Self Knowledge leads to the realization that there is a problem, which is great. But if you stay in that self-knowledge you really start to think in the *I* mode. If at any time you start with *I* can fix this, or *I* will do so-and-so, you will fail. You focus on your ability to solve the problem, you rationalize everything else, and even start to lay blame on others.

Self Knowledge with belief in God, but improperly asking for God's help is dangerous. You turn to God and ask "Take this away" or "If only you....". You never truly lay down to God's will nor take responsibility for yourself. This is a case of "Without God, I can't; Without me, he won't". This leads to thoughts "God is not listening", fear, anger, despair, and ultimate loss of faith.

Self-Knowledge within God-Knowledge is the key. Asking for his will to be done, not yours, and backing it up with action will lead to the first steps of sobriety. Faith, without acts, is dead. Ask for his will, take responsibility and take the action of love or next right action, and God will respond. Trust in others that can see clearer than you to lead you until you see clear enough for God to lead you himself.

There is more to this, but that needed to get out. Kind of like firing a shotgun I guess.

I need to chew on this more.....

Everyone's ass is falling off this week. OK, wait, let me explain this....

A wise man once told me there are three rules when you ask to start the steps. This wise proverb was handed down to him from his sponsor and his sponsor before him. It goes something like this...

1. Don't act out
2. Don't act out
3. And for God's sake - Even if your ass is falling off - Don't act out.

Tuesday, everyones ass seemed to be falling off. I swear something was in the water. In the span of 2 hours I fielded 4 phone calls from newer SA's struggling - either to act out, or in fits of anger, depression, and the like. They DID THE RIGHT THING in getting out of themselves and making phone calls. And I am gad to say that many of them got through the day because they got out of themselves and reached out to others. I am proud of them for this. Very proud.

But my sponsor called me just to say Hi after I went through these back to back phone calls. I say in an exasperated voice "Holy shit dude, everyone's ass is falling off today! Even me, last night I lost it on my wife and have to make amends to her today". "Weird man", he replies "my ass was falling off this morning!". Which gave me a good laugh.

It's strange to me now, being on the other side. God is rewarding me buy leading me to others that are sick that I can help. In doing so, I not only help them - but am forced to put my nose back in the beginning of the book and work the beginning steps through them again. This was sorely needed, and I find it is exciting to do. Although, at the same time - terrifying.

I say terrifying, because God decided to bless me as a sponsor. Starting on Tuesday I officially took my first sponsee after some initial challenging and reflective questions. One of the hardest things to do is "throw one back" because they are not ready to work the steps when challenged - this one was. He stood up when I challenged him and proved he is willing to go to any lengths to get better.

And to see God work so fast with him. Immediately leading into the first step and the days proceeding - God is working fast and furious with him. Showing him Tit for Tat. He has a change in attitude, starts to ask things in a different manner for the first time, and turns to God - God responds immediately. It is incredible to watch.

As long as he maintains that willingness, God will take him far.

Willingness, that is why I write tonight.



My patron Saint is St. Catherine of Siena. How I found her to be my patron saint is an interesting story in itself, a religious experience which I had in Italy on my honeymoon. But I have followed her teachings as a doctor of the Catholic church for a few years now. I have read biographies on her from her confessor written in the 13th century. I am studying "The Dialogue" which I find intriguing.

Mostly, I follow her because she was a little spitfire that didn't take shit form anyone. Got in the Pope's face, told him to do a nad check, and act like a man. Didn't expect me to say that about a Saint, did you?

She is pretty much the shit, and a true role model, teacher, and confidant. I take real comfort in having her as a guide to God's teaching.

Anyway, her feast day - a day of celebration and reflection for a Saint, is on April 29th. Through some research, I found a very old devotional written in the 1950's. It's to be read, meditated on, and prayed each of the five Wed leading up to her feast day. (For those interested, it's called "The Five Wednesdays" and can be found here.)

So in this devotional, the very first night, I meditated on the story about a blessing she received from God - she actually received God's will. For various reasons from her holy way of life, her piety, and petition to God she laid down her will and asked solely for the desire to God's will. It was granted.

In meditating, I thought about how hard it was - because I remembered to the eventual breaking down and the act I took to ask God for his will to be done, not mine. To voluntarily lay down my desires for what *I* wanted to accomplish and achieve and truly say - "What is your will for me". It was the hardest thing I truly had to do once the decision was made. But as soon as I said it in prayer - my recovery went gangbusters.

So last Wed, during this devotional, I renewed this pledge of living in God's will, not mine. Again, to truly say it from the heart took much internal fighting - but I forced my fingers open as if I was giving something to God.

The next day my wife lost her job and that's enough to make me reach out grab the wheel back from God, give God the big ol finger, and try to steer myself again.

But I didn't - I asked for his will and desire again. I don't understand what happened, but I accept.

But in my counselors office today. I had to smile. I was explaining that I know God has been preparing us for this as there are too many coincidences. I don't know what is going on, but God said this needs to happen. "Yeah, because he is working on your wife" he said matter of factly. I think my response was along the lines of "WTF"?

I had been spending the past 10 months working on myself, tearing down and rebuilding. I had to break, start from the bottom and work my way up again. My wife and I started to work on true intimacy (and I don't just mean physical) and have made headway - but there are a few roadblocks. My wifes dependence on herself and placing too much value in her job. It has been a stumbling block for us to make true strides forward as a intimate couple and a couple in union with God.

"He took the bedrock which she built everything away. He is shaking things up and tearing her down for now. I don't know how this is playing out, but I think he is turning his attention to her to help her get to a better place for you two as a couple as well as her relationship with God", he explained.

As far out there as it sounds, I think he is right - something inside tells me this. So I just have to be patient, wait, don't freak out, and be willing to trust in God although everything seems to be falling apart around me. This may be easier said than done. I know it took a while to work on me and it wasn't the smoothest ride. I just am putting faith that on the other side of this my wife and I are closer to each other.

But it all comes down to willingness. Am I willing to do anything to get better? Am I willing to trust in God? Am I willing to continue to trust in God when things get tough?

God I hope so.

I woke up on Thursday morning and started to get my 18mo old daughter ready for school. My wife was on her way to work already (2 hours away) for a mandatory meeting on site. To my surprise, when I walked in - my daughter didn't jump up and yell "ELMO!" at the top of her lungs. But groaned and rolled over.

Dada: You want to go to school hon?
Daughter: Noooooo [groan]

Now my daughter LOVES SCHOOL, so much so that she doesn't want to leave day care. Usually can't get ready fast enough to stuff yogurt in her pie-hole, misplace her coat on her head, slap on one of dads shoes on one foot, grab Elmo, wait at the door and yell "GO!" till daddy opens the door. So if she says No, there is a good chance her right foot is falling off, she needs a kidney replacement, or she thinks the great Elmo himself is going to visit her and she doesn't want to miss him. Sure enough - 102 fever.

Start the routine, pop the tylenol, let her sleep, and for the first time in 3 years call to work and say "With my wife gone today, I have to miss work". Our doctor appointment was at 10:00. We get to the doctor, I am shuffled into a small exam room and wait..

About 15 minutes into entertaining my daughter with whatever means I could in this small isolated room, I get a call from my wife.

Wife: [Sobbing] I am on my way home. I lost my job.

I know I must have sat there in utter shock for what seams like an eternity before I pulled it together enough to say - "I am sorry hun, I love you. Come home and tell me what happened. We will be waiting for you."

Did I mention my wife is 3 months pregnant? No. Hmm, hence the complications.

But as I hung up, as I was in some shock my first reaction was not "Holy crap, how are we going to live? She is pregnant, who is going to hire a pregnant lady? or Whose ass am I going to kick for hurting my wife so.".

I hung up and asked myself...



A few days have passed now, and yes the shock, fear, and sadness has set in some. This is normal. But the whole concept of looking ahead and TRULY asking myself - "God, I know this happened for a reason. What are you planning?" is very foreign to me. But then I realized this is truly due to a change of attitude from the 12 Steps - you give up control and truly rely on God for the first time. For everything.

And as I look back, so many dots are suddenly connected. God has prepared us for this for about 3 months now. A sudden urge to look at how we budget, draw up a new one, put a plan in for debt reduction. Getting used to living on a budget and sticking with it. Unexpected money coming from the blue to help pay off debt. Unexpectedly paying off our credit card in 3 months instead of the planned year. A under the table part time job for a brother Knight that was brought to our attention.

To many coincidences. I am not sure what is planned, but God has something in mind. I just have to be patient enough to wait and see. Ironic actually, now that I think of it, in confession yesterday my priest mentioned that the root of many of the things I confessed was "lack of patience".

Cause frankly, next to sucking royally at humility is the inability to be patient. Probably my two biggest defects.



Want to know another observation I have made?

Each addict I see that takes true strides forward in their walk in sobriety each have a breaking point, or fork in the road, as it may be. I became incapacitated and wracked with fever for a month. Another I know had an accident and was in a neck brace (also at home and "stuck"), another had a divorce in the middle of my sponsorship, etc. These are some more extreme examples, many are not this dramatic, but essentially in their own way each has a test in front of them where you have a choice - "Surrender, and hand your whole life to God" or "Act out".

A test only for them. One that may seem simple to another but is an excruciating point for the addict. One that makes you truly choose.

So when I am relaying the job loss in a share during my SA meeting, one or two made the comment that it put in perspective how insignificant their issue was for today. They were also surprised that in the face of a true problem I did not panic, act out till my winkie fell of, or hide in a corner. I asked "God, whats planned for us". Another prospective sponsee, turned to me and said "I don't want to burden you with sponsorship in this time of struggle".

How ironic, my sponsor went through a divorce in the middle of my sponsorship and I said the same thing. But how many times have I preached here, to possible sponses, and on No-porn.com that you can't work your program in a vacuum. You have to work it in the trenches, with the mines going off around you, and bullets of everyday life whizzing past your head. If you don't, there can be no crucial change in attitude.

Which I guess leads to a key line in the 3rd Step Prayer:
God, I offer myself to thee - to build with me and do with me as thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do thou will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy power, Thy Love, and Thy way of life. May I do your will always!"

It's in watching other in my group hit that fork, and overcome their difficulties, that I began to have the rudiments of faith that the program works. It is in that same faith in the program that lead me to the necessary faith needed in God to get better and start down the road to recovery.

It was in watching others overcome odds with the 12 Steps which gave me hope, and the will to move forward. I guess at this stage in sobriety/recovery I am doing the same for others.

So, as God works on my defect of patience, I keep my head down and work my steps. I'm not going to slow down, nor show I am scared, because if I walk fast enough I may get out of my own personal hell before the devil even knows I am there.

I have truly been struggling with something that I truly thought ego. The true need and deep desire to help another through this process. They speak of it in the steps, how this inner change will cause this desire to help others to well within you. Go out to those that are sick, and if your house is in order, be a guide to those that still struggle. I have NO POWER at all to do anything for them, I can only lead and guide by my own experiences.

Asking a recovering A-hole ego maniac narcissist to help another without their own ego and control defects getting out of control is a tall order. However I have seen others do it, including my sponsor, and with constant prayer and ego checks with God and others I prepare myself for my own sponsorship.



For a sponsor to find a sponsee, agree to take them on, and the sponsee to actually succeed a whole lot of things have to line up. So many random things have to come to a head that you have about the same chance of winning a lottery. It's like having two marksman at two 90 degree angles to each other firing bullets simultaneously and the bullets colliding with each other in mid air. It can happen, if you have enough patience and fire enough bullets.

The key, and why so many sponsee's are rejected by sponsors (and yes they do get declined), is that they have to be at such a low point in their lives that they stop fighting, listen and trust another with no regards to their own self knowledge, and be willing to work and do anything to get better.

The problem is most addicts are whiny "whoa is me" drama queens.

I watch those who have a problem but still think it's no big deal although their life is falling apart. I watch new addicts come into the program wanting to gain "control" of their problem when control is the source of the problem. I watch addicts come in and whine how they slipped again, and want reassurance that all will be ok." Validate me!" they scream in their verbal diarrhea speech of how hard it is to not fall off the wagon after heading to Hooters for wings. Or, as one addict told me when he declined an invitation to an Accountability Circle (which is OK), "I just want a place to write and when I slip be told it is OK. I don't want to work at it really."

Then if you put a bunch of drunks together in one room, all still wearing their drunk goggles. Soon you have a bunch of drunks sitting around a fire, sing Kumbya, and passing out free hugs. THAT is my biggest concern for some of my on-line support groups or in a few fledgling SA groups started by someone who does not have much sobriety (if any).

I say all this, because I help when I can and where I can in my on-line support groups and SA meetings. I offer support, sometimes a little harsh in your face reality check occasionally, and my own experiences. Although I am not a sponsor, I am OK with this because God may not deem me ready yet.

But I get frustrated with all the whining, and finally realized it was OK when someone on no-porn.com pretty much started a thread of "Stop your Bitching! You can stop, its easy!".

I pretty much thought HELL YEAH, with one caveat - it is in no way shape or form easy. It is extremely difficult, and painful, if done right and for the long term. Your desire to do all it takes to get better has to exceed your desire to act out. You have to work, work work...



But on the other hand I understand. All the "Me Me Me" and "What I want to do" thinking. The "I satisfy myself because no one else will - especially not my wife". "I can beat this by sheer willpower alone if I apply myself!" thinking. The "She won't show me she loves me, what do I have to do to get her attention and let her know I NEED intimacy" point of view. The severe co-dependency on your wife or G/F that she HAS TO supply sex on a regular basis so you feel LOVED.

I was there.

And you can't see it till you hit bottom, start a program, get some sobriety under your belt and realize "Holy Shit, what did I do - this is about ME". Not my wife, not my child, not my job, not everyone else but me.

So as I come to the end of this vent, I come to realize that it isn't ego I should be checking. It is allowing others recovery to affect my own. Each addict must work through those own realizations through his own self enlightenment. Because if you don't go through it and realize some basics - recovery and healing will never occur.

I thank God each day for the advice of a 15yr recovering SA who I came to after the slip that lost my sponsor. I wanted my free hug essentially but got kicked in the nuts. It hurt, and caused a real internal check which almost caused me to leave the program. But after re-committing myself, during a meeting on my next steps with him he gave me a great piece of advice.

Stop Calling Drunks

Someone who slipped 3 days ago is not going to be able to give you advice on how to avoid the slip that you are teetering on at 3am. They are in the fellowship and deserve your support if they call you, call them to talk about the big football game, but don’t call them when you are trying to avoid a slip. Surround yourself with those in sobriety and listen. At that point we went through the calling list and circled about 8 names of people with significant sobriety. Those were the only numbers I kept in my cell phone.

Between that kick in the ass, the advice on not calling drunks, and a renewed energy in the program - God has continued to grant me sobriety one day at a time. I realize now that I had to learn all that stuff the hard way and most addicts do.

I have really been struggling with the defect of ego lately. Not so much about my ego being deflated, which I am counting on this program and God to do if necessary, but more along the lines of opportunities and fantasies that allow me to swim in pride and self inflated ego. Almost a "look at me" scenario. Especially the past two weeks or so, where I am being tapped for opportunities to step up or being identified as a go to guy.

These opportunities are a direct result of my amends and changed attitude.

The opportunities are wreaking havoc with my defects, because I much approach them with humility now.

Frankly,I suck at humility. I really find myself doing consistent 4th steps on paper to get to the root cause of the problem, constant ego checks in with my meetings, and calls to my sponsor. Even with all this, I am barely keeping my ego in check. My natural tendency is to go in with what seems as humility, but also look for a good ego stroke. It pains me to say this, but I am not as honorable as everyone thought. Apparently no addict is.

With my sponsor, I was able to peel back one layer and see this ego defect and see how often it arises. With my counselor I was able to see the defect within the defect for the first time - the ego I battle, the ego stroking, the "look at me" that always comes up.



He said because of my past, the divorce, being man of the house at 13, having to grow up and be more responsible at a much earlier age than I should - that my default feeling is that of a scared boy playing in a grown up world. I constantly feel out of my element, I constantly feel as if I am faking it, I naturally feel as if I should not be succeeding where I am.

I am a leader at my work, rewarded in raises, opportunities, and constant praises. Yet I wonder how the hell I am doing what I am, how I haven't been fired yet, and how I can hide from being put in a real position where my facade would be discovered.

I am a leader and well liked within my church. Yet I feel as a fake.

I feel as the heel of jokes, the last in the pack of friends, and welcomed among my friends. Yet my friends love me.

All because of my past, all because I had to mature much faster to survive. I am programmed to never feel "good enough". So, through ego stroking from others, I get validated. I get "good job", I get "you are worth something".

When I need to look internally, realize I am doing fine on my own and made something of myself, and realize the only validation I need is from God. My dependence should be on him, no one else.

Easier said than done though. The more I think about this, the more I see how it permeates through everything I do. The more I see how far away from where I should be.

At least I can see that now, the scope of this defect, and I can start moving toward a resolution one baby step at a time.

It's been a while, 9 months to be exact, since I began this journey into sobriety. Ironic it seems, baby pending and all, that it took me 9 months to get here. Five and a half months Sober, but not well. Desiring recovery, but unsure if I am on that path just yet.

The trail has been long, and I am a little tired but feeling good. Almost like being 1/2 way through the hike after you worked past the tiredness, sore muscles, and broken in your hiking boots. You rest on a rock, overlooking a vista on a mountaintop, kick off your shoes and rub your feet. The tired feeling is good. That feeling that your getting a workout, your body is on pace, and you feel alert and alive. Where you mind is clear, the forest is quiet, and you can reflect. So as I sit here on this big damn rock, with my pack leaning against a tree, I will rub my feet a bit and think a bit about the process as a whole.

The 12 Step process, Sexaholics Anonymous, has been a life saver to me. What was once thought to be a secondary tool, a novel thought, has become the biggest and most important tool in my recovery - above everything. Through this process I cleared room for God to work. Through this process I am sober but not well. Through this process I learned how to face life on life's terms.

So how was this done:

• SA gave me an immediate means of support, something to lean on, as I learned the steps to stand on my own with God's help.


• SA brought me out of the isolation that addiction seduces you to without you even being aware. I made a connection with others.


• Over Time, SA helped me see the breadth and depth of the addiction, how far and wide it reached, into almost every aspect of my life.


• In coming out of this "Fog" I truly started to grasp how deeply and how often I hurt those around me that I loved.


• I came to understand masturbation and pornography were a symptom, a byproduct, of my addiction. My inability to cope with life.


• SA helped me realize exactly how unmanageable and out of control the addiction was, although as an addict I thought it under total control.


• SA helped me realize there was another option - being properly surrendered.


• With guidance, I cleared the wreckage of my past. Without this guidance I could have fallen in despair, guilt, or inescapable remorse or depression.


• I understood God existed and loved me, but I didn't understand that without my action - God would not react to my plea for help. My faith, without and act, was dead.


• With room cleared, with my actions working on my defects, God began to work on me.


• It is by His grace alone that my addiction is resembling anything close to manageable at this time.


• SA has brought me much closer to my religion and my personal contact with God. Almost like clearing static off a bad phone line - allowing me to hear and react more appropriately.


• Being in the fellowship of SA allows me to see where I have come, and never allows me to forget the monster I can become if I continue again.


• SA gives me a "maintenance plan" that allows me to constantly rework the steps daily, in prayer, and through another in sponsorship. Always allowing me to keep "my nose in the program".

The mistakes I made:

I tried to control my program of recovery rather than trust in another with sobriety or in God.
Apparently this is pretty common, most addicts come in with "a plan". Do X, Y, and Z as fast and as thorough as I can and I will be healed. I kept pushing my counselor and sponsor to move faster - lets go. Then one day in my sick mind, I actually made myself slip once because I thought everyone did and I was going to control when that happened - cause it damn well wasn't going to happen 3 months into this thing. I thought I had to have a 90 day dry out period and caused complications at home because of it. Ultimately I put this in God's hands and have been intimate with my wife - he granted intimacy every few weeks in the beginning but now asks for an extended (8 weeks or so now) period of abstinence (and I am absolutely OK with it and even desire it). I rushed and found a sponsor after 1 meeting, because I thought I had to. I chose the member with the most sobriety because he had to be the best. In the end, we never really could communicate well together and I rebelled against the steps violently. Ultimately losing him after violating the 3 strikes you are out rule.

I brute forced the steps.
Even after realizing my sponsor was not doing it for me, and seeing the warning signs. I kept fighting through the program on willpower and hit a wall. I should have swallowed my pride, found another sponsor, and started over.

I picked a poor sponsor the first time.
How ironic, the sponsor with 6 years sobriety and 15 sponsee's under his belt could not help me. The sponsor with 6 months of sobriety and zero experience with sponsee's led me to my sobriety. I admired him, I valued what he said, and could relate with someone my age in the same stage in life. My first sponsor is a good friend, and he did help me, but my decision to "control things right now" bit me in the ass.

I never truly surrendered all aspects of my life to God's will.
I surrendered lust, yes. I surrendered I was totally out of control with porn and masturbation, definitely. But I never surrendered the day to day stuff - anger, resentment, confusion, etc. I never surrendered the direction my life would take, let alone what God would have in store for me today. Once I did, it was like a light switch and I made progress extremely fast.

Pride Set In
At any time I said the words "I can do this" (as opposed to "God help me to.." or "I surrender"). I failed, Period. Do not pass go.

Fear Ruled, especially when I should have reached out to another.
I hated to call another when I struggled - I felt as a burden, or as if I was a freak, and would try to handle it myself. I could, for periods of time do fine this way, but in the end I would fail. I made huge strides when I started calling others in the fellowship. Sometimes a few times a day and definitely multiple days a week. At first, this is the only way to get by. I once told my sponsor I felt guilty for calling all the time. He responded that I am actually doing him a favor by doing so. I now understand why - for long lasting sobriety you have to rework the steps through another. By helping me, he kept himself sober.




The pieces of advice I would give someone just coming in would be:

Give up expectations, control, and any plans you would have.
Stop doing it yourself, trust in others to lead you for now for you can't see far enough through your drunk goggles. Stop setting expectations or a plan, because you will end up disturbed when it doesn't happen this way.

Go to more than one meeting a week, and make at least a call a day.
It takes time to get the tools under your belt and even longer to not look like a monkey humping a football when you use them. To stay sober during that time you have to be in the program pretty religiously and can only keep the triggers away through phone calls. Don't learn the hard way as I did - just do it.

Go to a few meetings, find a group you identify with, and find a sponsor that you relate to.
Some meetings are a turnoff, poor sobriety, dumping, and not constructive. Some have personality conflicts. Some just run differently and don't click. But these are rare. Find a meeting you really like, attend regularly and make it a home group. Watch for someone that "speaks to you" that you identify with. Even if he doesn't raise his hand for sponsorship, approach anyway. After a few weeks he will know you through the meeting and you will know him.

The definition of irony: Being selfish enough to put your program first a while.
Once you truly get started, things may be chaotic, and family may even fight back. Put faith in the program and faith in God to take care of the environment around you. Go "heads down" and work the steps without breaking stride. This is counter-intuitive at first, but you will eventually see why.

Wait for the critical change in attitude.
Ironically, the program will weed itself out. If you are not internally changing ("critical changes in attitude" as the book says), you will start to reject, balk, and buck the steps. If that is the case, punt. Ask your sponsor to go back and re-work a step, find a new sponsor, or find new material to help you come back at a step from another angle. Be patient and watch, it is amazing to see the changes in yourself.

Give thanks and pray
To your sponsor, your SA group, and God. And for God's sake, pay it forward.



Wow, for struggling and worrying about what to write - that poured out. I am glad to see this, as I wanted to record for my own knowledge what I had learned so I never forget. And if someone who is just starting sees this, maybe it will help them a bit.

I don't want to forget, because I now understand that it isn't over. It will never be. For lack of a better analogy, my addiction is in remission and can hit at any time with more force - causing me to pick up right where I left off. I can never forget where I came from, for if I do - I may let my guard down.

Well, its time to put my boots back on and sling on my pack. I must keep hiking forward by working on my defects, constantly working the steps, and maybe even be a trail angel to someone else.

But before I leave, for anyone interested, the Sexaholics Website is here - www.sa.org.

As I finish the program, I kind of have an image in my head. It's me as if dressed for a hike - hiking boots, tear away slacks, and a shirt. I am worn and roughed up - hair dishelveled, dirts and sweat on my face, a tear in my pants, and a little blood on my hands and elbows from cuts and scrapes.

I stand on a grassy knoll at dusk, and around me is the rubble of the watchtower I once hid in. What ws once tall, strong, and isolating, is in pieces now. Smoldering a little, broken a lot, and strewn over hundreds of yards.

I reach down and lift a small banner on a flag pole - a long and triangular banner about 3 or so feet long. It is white, and says only this..



Down in a pile at me feet, is a haphazard camfire where all the other banners I flew are slowly burning away. I am no longer a Knight of Columbus, a Florida Gator, or an Atlanta Thrasher. I am not a hiker, treehugger, or outdoorsman. I express my religion through the Knights, express my college affiliation through the Gators, and root for my local hockey team as a Thrashers fan. I have a love for the outdoors and spend my free time there. I express those things, I am not those things. This was very important realization for me.

This is where I start, the rubble of the watchtower is almost complete and soon will be as my 9th steps are completed. But this is where I build now. This is where I build anew, on the keystone of my exposed weakness and foundation that God put in place for me.

This is home.

April 2007:
Me: "How long is this going to take?? To get better I mean."
Counselor: "You will never be better, you will be in recovery. It takes roughly two years, give or take, to hit that point. About a year of real work to get sobriety, another year to pass over into recovery."


This past weekend, while in a break-out on "A Sponsor's Tool Box", I learned the difference between sobriety and recovery. I had always heard the term "Sober but not well" in SA meetings and for the first time I think I started to grasp the concept. I definitely desire recovery, not sobriety, and even with the progress I made I am not sure if I have started down that path yet.

It's somewhat a catch-22, you need sobriety to reach recovery, but you need to work recovery to maintain sobriety. It's almost a chicken vs. the egg scenario. But, do not be fooled - there is a definite predecessor. As it says in the SA whitebook, "Everything begins with sobriety, without sobriety there can be no recovery".

In a sense sobriety is "not acting out" for lack of a better term. At the very, very first stages and days this may be done by sheer-willpower but almost immediately is shifted to the concept of "giving it away" in the community of SA's via meetings and phone calls. Giving it away relieves pressure as the program is worked to clear the wreckage of your past, start clean, and work on your character defects that are part of the root cause of the problem. This time is used to clear your head, watch others get better which gives faith that the program has to be better than what I can do, and seriously think about how bad you want this.

Sobriety is in a sense, just being a dry drunk. You can still "act out" in resentment, anger, and other methods - even depression.

Recovery is staying sober, working a program, having a spiritual awakening, and letting God in to lead you through "getting better". It is really working internally to get to the root cause of anger, resentment, and other defects. It's getting to the core. It is using your tools through the program so much that they go from monumental effort to almost automatic. It is truly understanding the concept of "unmanageability" and "surrender". It is giving your will away. It is having crucial attitude changes.

Sometimes I wonder where my desire truly lays, where I am in the sober to recovery conversion, and if I am on the right path. But one there are two things that give me comfort - the whole 12 Step program is about an awakening which often includes moving from impure motives to pure ones, from selfish to selfless, and from my will to His. It is all progressive. But I also know this "He will lead me by the right road although I may know nothing about it".

So here is to recovery. May we all obtain recovery over sobriety.

Damn, it is bright out in the sun. I still have to squint now that I seem to be coming out of the mouth of that cave more and more. I don't know how "earth people" do it to be honest - behave normally I mean. The concepts I have learned in 12 steps are still monumental efforts for me, especially when I have to do it under fire and in the real world. This has led to me chewing on a journal entry about my 12 Step experience (almost nine months later) but it is still swirling in my head for now. Besides I want to attend this SA Conference tomorrow and complete the 12th Step this Thursday before writing.

Although I am on Step 11 (Prayer and Meditation), I am still in awe of Step Nine (Making Amends). Out of all the steps this is the one that I truly have felt a difference and have seen such a drastic change in myself that I am somewhat caught off guard. I find I worry some about the ninth, because it actually demands prayer, patience, and timing - none of which I am that great at. Sometimes I feel guilty that I haven't done an amends in a week, and then can do 2-3 in one day because they present themselves. Determining patience and timing against non-action and fear is hard to distinguish sometimes, but I am taking the step. May be imperfectly, but I am taking the step.

But the weight falling off my shoulders is amazing. The loathing and anger is diminishing with each amends. The friendships that have re-developed because I took action is welcomed. I find that as these progress I am happier. I am smiling for no reason, I am chipper to the point that I annoy myself. The day is no longer doom and gloom and I am finally, after months of anguish, really starting to feel peace.



Don't get me wrong, this isn't Sawyers "Happy Happy Joy Joy Fun Recovery Hut". The steps are being done under fire - a hormonal pregnant wife, chaotic work hours, being a dad. But the crucial attitude change has occurred and I am persevering in my step work regardless of the mine field going off around me. And with each successful step, the more at peace I become.

I took a big step last night and completed my Ninth Step with my wife. I sat her down and apologized for my behavior - from the moodiness, the anger, to the verbal diarrhea "talks" I gave her because "she" had to be wrong. I apologized for wasting time in our marriage and harming my relationship with her and my child. I apologized for not being the husband I could be. I apologized for watching porn and any affect it had on her. I apologized for the money I spent.

Then I presented her with $1300.00 from the sale of painted models for my hobby. The end result of two years and hundreds of hours of meticulous painting. I wanted to pay back some of the money and show my wife how serious I was. I wanted it to be a starting point. I had to show her with action, and changed attitude. Anything else was verbal diarrhea.

What was solemn nodding and staring at the floor as I talked turned into utter shock. Eyes wide, and a deep gasp as she heard this. She knew what I put into that hobby. As she took the envelope and pulled out the money she started to cry. She couldn't say much, but she gave me a hug and in her tears said "I love you". The first sincere hug and spoken words in a long time.

You know how I know I am making progress?

Because in the beginning of my journey, I would have rather divorced my wife an cut off my left testicle before I ever even remotely considered selling my models and giving up my hobby. Damage to any of my models or interruption of painting would have met with swift anger.

And I desired to get rid of them, I wanted to get rid of them, I couldn't sell them fast enough and spent days praying for a buyer for both armies of models.

All due to a critical change in attitude, all from working the steps, all from working the steps under fire.

Rochambeau -noun [raw-shahn-boh]:
A game featured in the South Park episode “Mecha-Streisand” in which males take turns kicking each other in the testicles until only one remains standing. That person is declared the winner. This is an intentional play on the pre-existing use of the term as a decision-making game.

Hang with me friends and neighbors, this entry is going to be a little F'ed up. It has to do with a dream that I analyzed with the counselor.



Last week I had such a bad dream that when I woke up, I was in such fear that I almost couldn't take a breath. It stuck with me for a while, and confused me. I was at the point that I ended up "giving it up" in prayer.

The dream was a bunch of hodge podge for most of the night - going about my normal business, but with one theme. For some reason, everyone was intent on eating and all food which is not odd in itself. However everybody's food contained hundreds of sewing needles. Specifically needles I remember my mom used to hold two pieces of cloth together before sewing the pieces together. I remember sitting with others at restaurants, at the kitchen tables, or quick snacks at work - and everyone's food contained these needles. It did not harm them, and there was and expectation that I also eat this food. As an odd afterthought everyone was in a real good mood when they would eat all these needles. I remember just thinking everyone was odd and asked myself repeatedly "Why are you doing this?!?".

Then I remember being in my basement and I was in a very good mood. My wife was on the couch smiling, my toddler was in her playroom laughing her butt off at one of her stuffed animals. I am at the stairwell between the two watching the two of them. Then I hear it.

It was a BOOM like a transformer exploding down the street, with the house shaking some. I immediately knew it was the front door and for some odd reason it made sense that someone was impatient with the fact we couldn't hear the polite knocks and doorbell ring, so they thumped hard on the door. So I sprint up the stairs.

I come around the corner and see that the door and doorjamb have been knocked out of the wall, the door hanging from a hinge but still closed. Somewhat confused, but still in a good mood, I open the door.

There stood a black man that was probably 12-15 ft tall, so tall he has to crouch some to not hit his head on the ceiling of my front porch. He had a bluish/purple robe wrapped completely around him and covering the top of his head. He stared at me with evil eyes.

I remember being initially very scared and intimidated. Then I noticed that something wasn't right. It was almost as if two men were stacked on one another's shoulders and the long robe was a fancy sheet wrapped around him to cover this fact. Almost like when the peanuts throw a blanket over them to be a ghost during holloween.

I remember thinking in only a split second:
"Holy Shit (total fear)"
"Wait, something isn't right - he isn't what he seems, I don't think he is as intimidating as he appears"
"Quick, Fight or flight."
"Kick him in the nuts and take him down - quick before he does something!"

Then, in a split second almost as if to teleport - the figure is almost on top of me. He bends over and whispers in my ear to say one word in the most demonic voice I have ever heard.



Then a sudden feeling of guilt and shame washed over me, a sudden physical weight that almost crippled me.

Then I wake up.

Messed up, huh?



So I told this to my counselor, concerned about the figure. But it was then he explained this dream is a good thing.

The needles hold pieces of fabric together - more specifically garments (What people cover themselves, wrap themselves in - materially and metaphorically). Sewing needles are temporary methods of holding something together. I was a visual representation of watching everybody go about their life with what seemed to be temporary methods of doing things, half efforts, and half promises. I looked at them funny because I didn't understand nor did I desire it although everyone else seemed to.

I wanted more, which was the next scene (in the basement). I had a happy life, I was content, this was completeness, permanency. This is what I desired. I wanted more than the half efforts that everyone else was doing. I was with my family, complete and happy.

The figure - the figure was the old habit fighting back (or maybe even the devil himself). The color of the shawl or sheet he wore was regal, showing power. But I also noticed that something was not right - the fact that it looked like the figure were two men attempting to be big and tough by being on another's shoulders and covering themselves up. It looked, as I said to my counselor, almost silly. Then my thoughts of fighting back were just starting to appear when it made a move to tell me "hide" - to go back to the old way. Hide myself because I am not worthy.

He said that my previous family (mom, dad, sister, etc) was not stable. That life has always been rough and that I grew up thinking I didn't deserve a family, didn't deserve to be happy. But that I am now bucking the old way of thinking and striving for something more and that the "true desire" was there and that I am thinking as if it is OK to have that family.

The figure, he said, is no more than a "bunch of silly goobers glued together". Something intimidating that really wasn't and that I was starting to see it.

I had to laugh out loud at that. Because months ago, I wrote an entry on the fourth step, about facing yourself:

You have to turn around and face that Elephant, the big snorting po'ed elephant that follows you around and can crush you in a whim. But when you do, turn and face it and yourself - you see its isn't as big as you thought and nothing but a Bogeyman.

So I think I am going to give the Bogeyman a kick in the nuts and work hard at Step 4.

Unfortunately, I am pretty sure he is going to get up, fairly pissed off, and kick me in the nuts. I don't pretend to fool myself on this one, I know when I start digging at this some very real feelings that may very well knock me on my ass may arise.

Hopefully by the time this is done, me kicking him in the nuts, the bogeyman kicking me back - I will be the last one standing with the bogeyman on the floor, beaten.

Facing yourself, it's tougher than you can imagine. But lets go at it Boogey man, lets see who still stands - I'll Rochambeau you for it.

So I guess it appropriate to end this entry in the spirit of the previous...

Anyone have a Cup?

I have not been writing much, because God has been leading me much. I think that I am becoming quiet enough in my soul that I can start to see subtle direction in front of me instead of having to work so hard to hear it in quiet prayer. In responding to his direction I have had little free time.

Steps 6,7,8, and 9 have had me hard at work - realizing my defects one at a time and working on them are not natural, and the effort to mentally catch a defect in action and adjust is quite large. Sometimes by the end of the day, my head hurts from analyzing my attitude and my actions. Then to go through the emotional turmoil of looking at all the damage in your wake as an addict and trying to make amends. It's scary and uncertain.

Oh, but the feeling when you do. I have only amended one in my list so far - the spiritual thorn pulled out of my soul is not something I can put into words. Fear, unthinkable fear, comes before taking the step to walk to someone you have not spoken to in 2 years and just say "I am sorry for my actions". How I even spoke w/o stuttering and babbling I don't know. But the hug, the smile on his face, the feeling of belonging back into a group I missed so much.

I cried on the way home, I am crying now. The deep groan inside is something only God can understand through the gift of the Holy Spirit.

But when you start clearing away the wreckage - God speaks. It starts with not acting out to give him some room to work. Steps 1-3 are steps of realization and Steps 4-5 are steps of catharsis that lay the groundwork of clearing old debris to build anew. Steps 6-7 truly allows God to work within you where you really grow for the first time. And with a changed attitude, only now can you face and clear the wreckage of your past finally addressing some of the "core" problem.

In clearing room, in knocking down old walls, God has lead me to a fundamental point in my recovery and in my relationship with him - Self-Knowledge in God.

How many times have I spoke to an SA, struggling and weeping, about his addiction? How many times have I explained acting out is a symptom, not the cause. How many times have I tried to relay that in peeling away the layers over time will the possibility of managing this disease even become possible. When taking the right action is the hardest, how many times have I sighed to myself "Without God, I can't; Without me, God won't" and trusted in the step, sponsor, or action that my addict screams to me not to trust.



So when God lead me back to the writings of St. Catherine of Siena after a five year hiatus, I started to get chills as I re-read her teachings. One of the first lines I stumbled on by mistake was one of Catherine's favorite maxims - "The one who created you without your help, will not save you without your help.", sure sounded like my favorite maxim from the SA whitebook "Without God, I can't; Without me, God won't".

So many correlations between her writings on "self knowledge" and concepts in the 12 Step Program. About looking into yourself to discover your defects, realizing knowledge of oneself is more perfectly gained during time of temptation when you realize how weak you are, and during this walk will be the first time you discover true humility.

But self knowledge can not come, and should not come, without a God centered mind. Why? Because one can become overwhelmed by their wrongdoings and past. Guilt can come so deep that one can be lead to thoughts of suicide. Shame can be so deep that thoughts of forgiveness of oneself are out of the question. Realization, without the love of God, can become deadly.

An example of this is below, a record of a conversation between Catherine and God while Catherine was in prayer:

"Thus self-knowledge and the consideration of her sins ought to bring her to know my goodness to her and make her continue to exercise in true humility.

Now, I do not want her to think about her sins individually, lest her mind be contaminated by the memory of specific ugly sins. I mean that I do not want her to, nor should she, think about her sins either in general or specifically without calling to mind the blood and the greatness of my mercy. Otherwise she will only be confounded. For if self-knowledge and the thought of sin are not seasoned with remembrance of the blood and hope for mercy, the result is bound to be confusion. And along with this comes the devil, who under the guise of contrition and hatred for sin and sorrow for her guilt leads her to eternal damnation Because of this - though not this alone - she would end in despair if she did not reach out for the arm of my mercy.

This is one of the subtle deceptions the devil works on my servants. So for your own good, to escape his deceit and to be pleasing to me, you must keep expanding your heart and your affection in the immeasurable greatness of my mercy, with true humility. For know this: The devils pride can not tolerate a humble mind, nor can his confounding withstand the greatness of my goodness and mercy when a soul is truly hopeful." (Catherine of Siena, Annotated by Mary O'Driscoll, O.P, pg 93)

So let me amend my last statement:



For "self knowledge and God-knowledge are complimentary. The one cannot exist without the other in Christian life. As a person grows in love, the two fuse more and more into one knowledge" (p 98).

Feel like you just got a drink with a fire hose? Yeah, I know - been there. After weeks of turning this entry over in my head I am *just* now starting to wrap my head around it. The motivation to understand this is divinely inspired though, I do know that. So hopefully, God will keep illuminating one defect at a time, working with me on rectifying each defect one by one, but this can only be done if I clear room by cleaning the wreckage of my past.

One step at a time Sawyer, one step at a time.

With this news comes a certain amount of glee, excitement, an a sense of awe. It also comes with a equal or greater amount of HOLY SHIT I’M HAVING A KID! And for an addict the Holy Shit part can spiral out of control. By the time our first was born, I had broken out in hives across my stomach and chest from total panic.



My sponsor once said, “While in the program, try to not make any life changing decisions if possible - job change, kids, moving, etc”
Well I threw that right out the fucking window didn’t I?

A byproduct of improvement from recovery is a repairing (notice the ongoing “ing”) marriage. Matter of fact, a few months into the program, I was caught so off guard by my wife initiating intimacy and sex that I panicked. Since then, intimacy (both sexual and non-sexual) had been introduced into the marriage again and we were taking strides.

I really had mixed feelings about this though, although it was intimate and loving it still was a chemical hit. The same hit I was trying to ween off of. But I put trust in God, that he knew my recovery better than I, and went with the flow. My sobriety remained in tact, my marriage was improving, and intimacy was returning.

But then a series of events took place where it started to turn from intimacy to the goal of possibly having a kid. Where it went from loving to a “job” when my wife was the most fertile. This really concerned me, because to be honest - intimate sex is the road to recovery, just sex is not. And for a while it was just sex.

Which made me panic a little, but then I remembered I am doing the best that I can with what I know and the steps will be imperfect for a while.

I say this for a few reasons:

• I was internally chewing on if this was right, and kicking myself a little when this became "just sex".


• I had started to become a little resentful that I was being used for a child. (Perceived correctly or not).


• I was really struggling with laying down my will and trusting in God on if my wife was to be pregnant or not.


• Then I was hit with the reality that God had decided it was time for another.

Don't get me wrong, yes I am scared shitless, but I am truly happy too. It's kind of a paradox.

So why all the background information?

Because for the first time in a long time, the lust hits were coming on consistently and were getting worse. The urge to go act out and just numb the shit out of this fear and resentment was very real. But, being this far in recovery I could for the first time turn, point at the four items above, and say "THAT is why I want to act out".

So, I surrendered it. But it wasn't working - and that added to the panic. I could feel the lust building, the confusion building, and the panic to solve this building. I knew if I didn't figure out what was going on I would lose.

So this went over the course of a few days, almost a week. In the meantime I made a call to get this off my chest and started picking up the frequency of meetings where I could continue to voice what was going on.

I continued to give it away, so I could buy time. And in a meeting, in reading a passage, it hit me clear as a day.

SA Whitebook (pg 85)
"As long as we clung to it or tried to fight it into submission, our habit fought back, and being more powerful than we, it always won! Only when we let it go does the release come, as though God mercifully raises the very earth itself to meet us.

Merely knowing and admitting we were powerless over lust, or whatever form our acting out took, didn't help until we gave up our right to do it and let it go. There was no mistaking this change in heart when it happened; we knew it and those about us knew it. There was no faking surrender. And thank God, when we did give it up and stop fighting. He was always there, waiting with open arms. Instead of killing us as we had feared, surrender killed the compulsion."

I said the word surrender, I asked God to take the problem, but I was SO SCARED that I just wasn't letting go. I didn't think to let go. I placed the problem in God's open hand but refused to let my grip on the problem go.

So how do I let go?

Well, my Catholic influence kind of kicked in and I made a physical act of letting go. I had done this a few times in the program, when I needed to formally do something in my mind, I created an act. In this specific case, I cleared my head and prayed. I talked openly and honestly about fear and resentment to God, I cupped my hands together as if holding water, reached out, and actually said "I am letting this go" as I opened up my hands as if letting the water down the drain. And I held there repeating to myself - "I am letting this go, I am letting this go. I am giving up the right to worry about this any longer." I then said a prayer of thanksgiving and went to bed.

And the nightmares came hard and fast, just like early in sobriety. Sexual images and temptations over and over. A miserable dream. Was it my subconscious working out what happened, or the devil making one last run at me (on this issue), I don't know. I was a little worried that I was still being hounded by lust on my way to work as I woke up, shook cobwebs, and tried to shake off the nightmares.

But by mid-day, and even now, the lust hit that almost overtook me has subsided.

I think friends and neighbors, I just got past my first real hurdle using what I learned in my program.

Whew.

(I almost did not write this as to scare off those who may read it. But when it comes down to it, this is where I come to think out loud and is for me. )

I remember starting this journal with the intention for helping others, I had grandiose plans of getting better, elevating my ass to a high horse, and "healing" others with what I learned. Then when I got serious about recovery, I realized this is fucking tough and I doubted that I could make myself better - let alone help another.

After accidentally injuring "Clark Kent", and looking inward to my prideful reasoning, I pulled the journal back keeping only 1-2 tight SA Friends who I had been with since the beginning. I accepted few, if any, would read my journal and the journal truly became for me. This hurt as I wanted others to comment, read, and be inspired.

So I brought it inward. No Expectations.

But some odd stuff happened, I don't know how - but people started to read my journal although I did not advertise. People started to read my posts on the forums, and although not so many publicly many have contacted me privately. Spouses, addicts with sobriety, and more than a few new addicts. Many relaying thanks for telling my story, many asking for help. Many I work with one on one through Pm's and E-mails. Being careful to relay only what I can relate to, not to speak in absolutes, and realizing I know only a little. I help in the infantile way that I know.

Help?

Who the hell am I to give help?

A Vision for You
(Excerpt from the SA Whitebook, pg 210)

We realize we only know a little. God will constantly disclose more to you and to us. Ask Him in your morning meditation what you can do each day for the man who is still sick. The answers will come, if your own house is in order. But obviously you can not transmit something you haven't got. See to it your relationship with Him is right, and great events will come to pass for you and countless others. This is a Great Fact for us...

I am an addict. I only have some time in sobriety, but 3 months is nothing to brag about. In the virtual support world this seems to be an eternity, in the real world of SA meetings I am but in the very beginning of my walk with "no real time in sobriety". I see clearer, yes, but this new found vision is still foreign to me and I have to squint in the sunlight.

I feel as if I have just come rushing out a cave - covered in grime, with skinned knees, a bruised cheek, and my hair disheveled. Catching my breath and squinting at the sun I turn back and yell into the mouth of a cave "Hang a left, climb over the boulder, and then run like hell through the swarm of bats - It's fucking bright over here!!!"

Doesn't mean I know what the hell to do in the sunlight. I just know how I got here.

I am 3/4 through my program and about to work Step 8 next week when I meet with my sponsor. I am not going to assume any longer, but if I make it to Step 12, I too take on a sponsee and lead another. Acting as a tour guide as if I know what the hell I am talking about. This scares the hell out of me.

So whom am I to give any advice to another that hurts? Who says my house is in order? I don't even know if my house is in order. Who says that I can transmit something I don't even know I have? I don't even know what I have. All I know is I just went through a hard transformation that is not done and causes me a lot of damn pain.

I am only a scared little boy.

But, I would have really valued any help from someone who could have been there for me. In good conscious, I can not turn away another, even if it scares me.