"I would actually laugh at you for your crazy idea. The problem is, you come up with these crazy ass ideas and actually do them".
- Duckee (over 3 years ago)
Sawyer's Crazy Ass Idea Accomplishment List
(And No, I had ZERO experience in doing any of these - I just decided to do them).
- Restore a 20 yr old Pinball Machine that looked like it was blown up by a cheery bomb - Check.
- Restore family heirloom 8ft Cedar Chest - Check
- Carve a walking stick and track it 2000+ miles up the Appalachian Trial - Check.
- Train for 8 months and backpack 30mi of the Appalachian Trail - Check.
- Restore a pool table - Check.
- Trace my family tree all the way back to the 1700's based on a piece of paper I drew when I was 12 - Check.
- Get Sober - In Progress
* * *
Every addict has a plan coming into the 12 Steps. We all do, because we all are control freaks. It usually jacks us up pretty bad when we realize our nice laid out plan is not going to happen in the way we expect or in the time line we lay out. Planning is best left up to the normal "earth people" that are better equipped to handle it. In my specific case I have been working very hard not to plan too much because it can set false expectations and separates me from God's will.
But then I struggle with Gods will, Free will, and my own desires. How do I keep my will open to God's influence and yet have my own desire. I am still pondering this one.
But I have come to a working theory. If addiction is the result of natural instincts or desires gone astray, an addict has to be very careful when stating - "I want...". Planning and obsessing about a desire can become a slippery slope for an addict. However, maybe it is OK to have a goal or desire and stay open to the path that gets you to that goal.
I remember being so frustrated with God a few months ago when I was asking for direction in making a choice. I knew what I WANTED to do, but what did God want? He seemed to be quiet on the matter. My sponsor then listed the 10 good things of this choice, then the three bad and asked if there were any obstacles in my way. When I said 'No", he laughed and said...
"Are you waiting for? The sky to part, a light to shine on you, and God to say - 'Sawyer, I approve'? Sometimes you make the choice and let God sort out the results - if he truly does not want you do go a route - he will put obstacles in your path to make you think twice".
In essence, free will is a funny thing to me. So in my infantile (and probably wrong) way of understanding, I approach decisions in this manner - I can have goals and desires, but I should trust in God to get me there and trust that God will place obstacles or warnings in my way if that not be his will.
So lets talk about my will a little bit....
When I came into the program a little over 16mo ago I didn't want to be the same person in two years - I wanted to be sober, I wanted my confidence back, and I wanted leave the old person behind. From my attitude, to growing a goatee and cutting my hair different. I definitely wanted to lose weight. Two items have come to fruition, the others haven't even started yet. I also came to realize, this stuff will happen on it's own time, if it be His will, and I am just going to take it as it comes.
But, I am also going to be a little proactive and I may be tossing around another crazy ass idea.
I am a big boy, and also seem to be suffering from what a fellow SA has dubbed the "Ho-Ho" affect. Many SA's start to eat when they go through the stress of getting sober and gain weight. Matter of fact, some switch addictions to food and end up also joining Overeaters Anonymous. I am not at that point, but I seem to love me some "Ho-Ho's".
I also hate how I feel - tired all the time, heart races for no reason, and I seem to constantly crave sugar and caffeine. I worry about my health and want to see my daughters get married. I don't like how I look, I don't like how I feel, and I am sick of it.
So I am exercising at the gym 3x a week at lunch. I work out for 45 minutes, shower, and come back to the office and I LOVE it. It's almost like having recess at work. I have been at it for 2 weeks now, found a gym partner who is as in poor shape as I, and am having fun.
But I also know that I will get bored soon and need some sort of goal to hit. I can't plan a hike to some big ass mountain, my hiking partner is now my wife and she is tied up with the new kid. So what do I do?
Am I fucking nuts? I don't know how to swim, let alone 400 meters. I think I can bike. I couldn't run farther than a block, even if you dangled a Ho-Ho in front of me. I am overweight, I know shit about Triathlons, and have no idea what I am doing.
Sounds like a fantastic idea.
Too be honest, I haven't made a decision yet - to make sure I am not allowing my OCD to grab this and cause it to be a flash in the pan, I am doing a few things. First, wait a week. Second, talk to my counselor and sponsor this week. Third, see the doctor on Friday. If I pass all that by next week, and haven't scared myself into running away from this idea like a little girl - I may have a new hair brained idea to add to my list. I have been reading up allot on this, and talked to a friend who has completed his first Triathlon, and absorbing a lot of information.
So Duckee my friend and fellow gym rat, if you are reading this - please smack me into reality and talk me out of this. I like ho-ho's and this triatheon would be the craziest idea yet.
What do you all think?